future

I've been forced to think a lot about my future lately. As a junior in high school, the impending pressure of applying to college and choosing a major and what I want to do for the rest of my life until I die is starting to take its toll. I feel like I still don't really know who I am or what I would be good at or what my major strengths are. I don't even really feel like I have strengths. What is it that I could do for the rest of my known life without pulling my hair out and constantly wish I'd done something differently or gone somewhere else? I really have no idea. I used to think that I knew what I wanted to do, but I was quickly introduced to the reality that the chances of actually getting a job writing for a comedy sitcom are, well, low. And you really need to have connections these days to get fun, cool jobs like writing for TV, or being in TV in general. I really have to ask myself, am I willing to do the work required to earn the respect of officials and managers in the industry? Also, am I funny enough? What if I sink all my student dept into playwriting or some worthless degree like that and never make a penny in my life? Is television writing really what I want/am meant to do? Or do I want to be a fashion photographer? A makeup artist? Work for public benefit and women's programs? I want to do all these things, but I don't even know if I could make it in any field I'm truly interested in.

My biggest fear above all of this is that I don't have the motivation or work ethic to be noticed. These are things I consider interests that I want to turn into passions. I'm worried, though, that I'll be lazy/unmotivated and I won't be attractive to potential employers, and I won't have the impressive portfolio necessary to be a potential hire even. I hope that after high school I'll have newfound inspiration and motivation to keep me moving forward in the world.

I should probably go study for the SAT's so I can get into a college. Great.

Sorry for the vent/rant sesh.